Posts from the ‘Front Porch Musings’ category

May Day

May 1.

This past week was as varied in my heart and soul as was the weather in the week’s photos.

Monday and Tuesday…after walking the loop…”crossing the Rubicon”… – Monday and Tuesday were good work days and a bit of normalcy returned to Bob’s and my life. And then, taking the motorhome for service, running out through the woods to catch the light – WHAM!

Loss and grief are experienced by each one of us in ways unique not only to our own experience but for me, every loss I have ever experienced is different. I spent the last 8 1/2 months with Karl focused on enjoying and staying hopeful and positive – for both him and for me. I did not want to waste a moment of whatever time we had together in anything other than joy.

I wish I could say that I accomplished that, but I can only say that most of the time I did and I’m grateful that there were only a few moments lost.

So…now, I don’t feel like I need to NOT grieve. I cry when I feel like it. I let the bits of panic and anxiety come and go. I sit still and let memories come and bring me back to a point of Joy. It is neither good nor bad, it just is.

Everything changes – always. The Road Home…it is always changing. It is greening up at the moment – this May Day.

Bob and I. We’ve changed. Our routine has changed and is changing.

I miss Karl with a fierceness that makes my chest ache. And I am glad for that. I am glad that I am capable of loving so deeply that I can ache. And that gladness turns the ache to joy.

Karl and I started our lives together on May 18, 2001. The photo above was about 9 weeks after. He looks so serious … I have no idea why my one leg is extended except that the camera…my first digital camera…was on a tripod with a timer and I had a 16 week old puppy in a down stay while I set up the camera and hurried back to be in the shot :)!

So this week as my emotional state slid from ok to not so much… I started thinking about another dog. …after all, I found Karl, just a week after losing Zack and Karl brought Joy back into my life then, even while I still grieved for Zack. I believe my life will always include a dog. It is part of who I am.

I found a Karelian breeder in WA that thought she might have puppies in mid-June, which would mean they would be ready for homes in mid-August. That seemed like good timing…far enough “out there” that I might be ready. I sent an application, even though I was unsure whether I could really have another Karelian… Karl.

The week progressed. Work did not go well. I spent a lot of time on the front porch. Bob started looking at me somewhat aghast as I was picking him up every time we passed. If you’ve ever had a cat, you are well aware that when they want lovin’ they want it now, but otherwise, not!

The details of Friday I’ll write about at a later time but the bottom line is that via an accidental google and click a website was found. A day was spent in research and soul searching. A phone conversation followed. A deposit has been sent. And not a Karelian Bear Dog, but rather an English Shepherd puppy may become part of the fambly Summers sometime in early June.

Some of the time I am “over the moon” about this. Some of the time I am scared and feel like it is too soon because I just want Karl. Just like the moments of grief, I let all of it just happen and trust that all will unfold as it should.

I got out all of my puppy training books. And I found the puppy leads and collars from Karl’s puppy hood.

It was not sad. It was fun. I feel like I’m taking Karl..and even Zack and Gus…along with Bob and I on this next part of the journey.

I said that to my friend Judy, in an email, and she responded:

of course they are with you on this next journey – they always have been and will continue to be! In my mind’s eye, you may have one dog on the leash, but the rest are romping along with you, too!

I am so grateful for that picture… for her mind’s eye view – it suddenly brought the JOY I’d been struggling to find – back to me. All of my dear ones, always with me.


May Day.

Walking the loop

I would not change a thing about how I lived life with Karl. We were nearly constant companions. The only time we were separate was when it was unsafe for him to be with me…too hot to be in the car, the occasional need to pick up or take some large item in the Jeep. The consequence of our closeness, is with his loss, there is not a place nor a moment that he is not missing from. I knew this would be.

The intense missing, the mental rewinding of time and wishing desperately that things had gone differently, the shock of finality – it feels like the earth has shifted off its axis and everything is upside down and sideways. It is sometimes hard to think what to do and I find myself walking around, sitting, moving to a different place – trying to find a spot where I’m comfortable.

My current mantra has been “just keep putting one foot in front of the other”. The place I want to be is that place where all memory of Karl is joy – that’s the direction I’m moving, but the grief must be walked through. There are no shortcuts.

Karl’s and my favorite thing was to walk – in the woods, by the lake and our loop walk. I gradually walked around the woods – my property – last week…a little at a time. I walked to the edge of the woods in the evening to look at the mountains.

Although I do not for a second believe that Karl’s spirit is in his earthly remains, I waited to walk the loop until I had his ashes to take with me. I picked them up on Friday and was so glad to have them. My friend Sara was to walk with me on Saturday.

Saturday was beautiful and sunny – the first real springlike day we’ve had. Sara and I walked the loop. I had Karl’s ashes in my camera sling pack.

It was at times difficult, but more often it was comforting. The more I walk through the things that Karl was part of, the more I feel him with me and joyful memory begins to replace grief.

One foot in front of the other…walking the loop.

***Last photo by Sara Palifka, previous photos I took on a second walk by myself on Saturday.

Light in the woods

Saturday morning sunrise through the woods.

I love the light in the woods. I take a LOT of photos of light in the woods. I stand and watch the light in the woods: sunrise, sunset, foggy light, moonlight, starlight.

Saturday dawned clear and stayed that way…a glorious harbinger of Spring and yet cool enough that I kept a small fire going as well. Saturday was a day of taking a break from a “to do” list and just being…enjoying a day spent sitting outside with Bob and Karl, working a bit inside while they napped in the afternoon, shuffling through the woods to see if anything new was making an appearance, hamburgers on the grill, a long talk with a dear friend, off and on house cleaning (that DARN sun coming in the windows :)! )… an exquisite day of peace and joy and love that started with the light in the woods.

Hope all had a lovely weekend and are starting the week rested and refreshed.

Thursday morning sunshine

Through the woods…

Around Karl as he buries a treat…

…digs it back up and then eats it.

On a fresh batch of treats ready for the oven.

He may not be “in” the sunshine, but Bob is part of my sunshine :)!

Outlining the trees and lighting the mountain tops: Thursday morning sunshine.

Redux: To be good and happy today

The quote from Sydney Smith: “We know nothing of tomorrow; our business is to be good and happy today” keeps coming to the forefront of my thoughts today. When that happens there is usually a reason. It is a good mantra when worry about tomorrow threatens or even when today feels difficult. I say the words, breathe deeply, exhale fully, smile, look on Karl, Bob, the woods – whatever is at hand that is good.

The words keep coming to me. Maybe I am meant to throw them back out into the Universe so here they are with the original post from September 27, 2007.

“We know nothing of tomorrow; our business is to be good and happy today”. –Sydney Smith

I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmingly thankful…for everything – for the laughter, the joy, the beauty of my days as well as for the challenges, sorrows and disappointments – for everything! It is all part of my life and I’m grateful for all of it.

If life were one smooth, flat ride the view would be lousy – and boring!! It takes a couple of trips to the valley floor to really appreciate the climb up and the beauty of the grand mountain view. And it is on those tumbles down that we often learn who we are, what we are made of, our strengths and weaknesses – and what we don’t want or who we don’t want to be which helps to clarify what we DO want.

A favorite mystery series I read features Amelia Peabody Emerson, wife of a famous Egyptologist and no slouch herself in that department. It is a fun romp of the Errol Flynn sort with the good guys always coming out on top. Amelia’s catch line when things are on the challenging side is biblical: the last line of Matthew 6:34: “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof” (King James Version). The more current translation is “Each day has enough trouble of it’s own” – but the first lines are “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself”. Sometimes, when I find myself distracted by fretting about some future worry I picture Amelia and say the words and laugh – because, it is true and – “our business is to be good and happy today”!

And for today’s “illustration” – this photo is Karl on the right and Sparky, an 11 month old Border Collie belonging to Bob and Inez Love. Bob logged my property this spring and Sparky was normally along. Sparky and Karl bonded immediately and played, wrestled, chased and napped together. I don’t claim to know what really goes on in their little doggie brains but it seems pretty clear that they do not worry about any tomorrows.

Sparky and Karl

Wrapping up the week

Thursday afternoon, before the sun dipped behind the clouds, the sky and lake from Wayfarer’s park looked very different.


Temperature was right at 50F.

…and the above photos are from my newest electronic gadget thingy…

YOWZA! It is the HTC Thunderbolt, Verizon’s first 4g smartphone. I jumped the BlackBerry ship about 10 days ago and have been having more fun and giggles than a 55 1/2 year old person “should” (***) from a new toy :)!

Here it is connected to my laptop syncing contacts and calendar. When I get some music, it will sync that as well. It guesses words I’m trying to type, has animation for weather including windshield wipers and raindrops, falling snow and rolling clouds…. I’m sure the thunderstorm animation is spectacular as if you’ve seen the tv add, the start up is a thunderbolt complete with sound.

I have barely scratched the surface of what the thing can do, but my favorites so far are the flashlight – it uses the camera flash and has 3 beam intensities, and the Kindle app. I have a Kindle, but the 4.3 inch screen on this phone is actually not that much smaller, has great resolution and is very readable. And….the phone and the Kindle stay synced, automagically, so I can go back and forth and each finds my place.

I’m late to the touch gadget thing – friends have iTouch, iPad, iPhone and I’ve seen them and played a bit, but this is the first of my very own and I am amazed at the technology – FUN!!!

It was a good week in every way. The forecast for today is 100% rain which it is doing. I have a humongous pot of split pea soup complete with a ham bone, simmering on the stove. A fire is laid just waiting a match. A thermal air pot is full of my favorite hot tea. Karl and I are off to Whitefish – I have a hair appointment after which we will visit with Karl’s Auntie Kris and Uncle Hal and then home again, home again to light the fire, have a bowl of soup and a mug of tea and listen to the sound of spring rain on the roof.

Bob says he will wait in the nice, dry, warm house for us and to say “Hi” to Uncle and Auntie for him…

***The word “should” is mostly banished from my vocabulary…used here for effect :)!