Today is my birthday – I am 52 – not one of the milestone birthdays…and I’m not thinking about it in any other way than it’s my birthday – my day to – to what? Well, it always feels a little special, but generally, I don’t “do” anything different except maybe allow myself to have whatever food or drink treat I would like … because after all, “It’s MY birthday”!

There is a blog that I check once or twice a week: Karen Cheng’s Snippets of Life.  Karen just turned 29 – she wrote about it.  She lives in Australia with her husband and 2 young sons.  They have a house.  Karen works from home on some web projects but primarily she is taking care of her family.  I have very little in common with her – only the bit of technology interest/skill.  I just enjoy the peek into her life and thoughts.  So, after her 29^th birthday – facing next year’s 30^th – she shared some of the thoughts and questions she has about turning 30 as in “the big THREE-O” – and then she invited the sharing of stories from her “readers”.

Getting older, aging, the NUMBER – I’ve thought about it a lot!… 30, then 40, then 50 – my gosh, 50!  Even if 60 is the new 40, there is not really any denying that 50 is “middle age” – I am no longer “young”.  I don’t know where the exact line is but I do think that 50 is across it!  I don’t feel  50 – there are many times that I don’t even feel like a grown up – just a “kid” masquerading as a grownup.  How did I get to BE 50 – well  52 years old?

Karen asked some questions that she hoped someone might answer – one is “What finally made you feel 30?”  Tough for me to answer because I STILL don’t feel 30!  I remember sitting across the table from a friend’s aunt and mother one morning and we were all casually talking about age.  My friend’s aunt who was in her late 60’s, wrinkly, white-haired, moving a bit slow, commented that she still felt like a kid inside and every morning when she looked in the mirror it shocked her – ‘Who is that old woman?”.   I think of that often, especially first glance in my own morning mirror.  I’m not wrinkly or white haired (a bunch of gray, though!) and often get mistaken for much younger than I am.  But I can see the changes – my face has certainly softened, widened, plenty of fine lines – I catch a glance in the mirror and wonder, “Who is that woman?”

I neither wear nor have interest in “youthful” fashion.  I am energetic and athletic and move easily and well but 20-30 something women look very young to me.  I AM older and sense that.  But I sense and feel it more in terms of experience and maturity – a different outlook, pace, sense of self and well-being – a calmness.

And I have to laugh at myself because the maturity is more along the lines of the realization that I DON’T know what “IT” is all about.  The REAL evidence of “coming of age” for me  is a sense of contentment.   Oh – there are plenty of things I want to do, places I want to see or see again, character improvements I’d like to make – no less hopes and dreams than when I was younger, but I’m not so anxious about them.  It is not as if the completion of any of them must be done to make my life good or successful.  I’m free to enjoy “today”.

I’ve made conscious choices about where I live, how I live, my work, my family and I’m happy with those choices.  I’ve tried things – some have gone well and some have not.  I don’t like to fail, but I’m not afraid of failing – I’m more afraid of fear keeping me from trying something.  I LIVE my life in the way that is right for me – right for my beliefs and my character.   I don’t believe life is predestined but I do believe that things unfold as they should and that we are given always what we need even if not all that we want.  I have learned to live with insecurity and in fact to understand that we cannot attain real security and so have reached a point where I can enjoy myself and my days in spite of life’s circumstances at any given moment.   I am content.  The number has ceased to be important.