After a week of days that seemed extra dry – humidity-wise as well as precipitation-wise – this morning dawned a bit gray and damp. No rain, but it felt like it could rain.
I joined Bob outside to peruse the grass and grounds.
…and to check on the rhubarb!
Soon!
Detent is riding the slow boat…
Hopefully, accord will be reached….Soon!
After looking at the rhubarb, I went to check on the lilacs…
Soon!
So…yesterday had a lot going on. Fred and his helper and 2 of Fred’s dogs and 1 of his helper’s dogs, showed up as promised at 9:30 a.m. to work in the woods. Fred was here late last Summer and did a lot of cleanup and firewood splitting and stacking. When I called him for this round, I let him know he could bring his dogs…in fact I kind of pleaded with him to bring his dogs.
Two of the chores were in close proximity: a nice larch that was too crowded where it stood, but great firewood for Winter 2012-13 was marked to come down and the slash pile right next to it needed to be burned.
Fred felled the larch right onto the slash pile making in quite convenient as he limbed the larch…
After the larch was limbed and cut to lengths…and the lengths moved away, the slash pile was lit. The dogs supervised and/or just had fun.
I LOVED that the dogs were here. They were all happy, happy, joy, joy and it was good for me to just be able to love them.
And I loved that Fred and his helper were here to burn that humongous slash pile. They hosed down the nearby trees and kept an eye on the first big flames, controlling them so that there was no heat damage to those close trees – excellent !
When the fire needed less of their attention, they turned to splitting and stacking…
And the larch plus a bit of a tree from last year are staged to dry for future.
This morning, the slash pile was just a pile of smoldering ash. It will smolder, sputter, flame a bit and repeat for 10-14 days probably. I like this part as I can go out in the early morning or late evening and sit and watch and listen to the fire.
And then…today, Wednesday, I needed to run to town and stopped for a few items. Tomatoes were on my list. I saw these that were labeled Heirloom tomatoes. They look funny and interesting and so I bought some. And I wasn’t really paying attention to the price…until I got home and looked at my receipt… $3.98 per pound …total for 2 tomatoes was $8.98. I REALLY hope these are good… Anybody have any suggestions about what I should do with tomotoes that cost $4.49 each ???
Meanwhile, it is 72F…on the front porch.
Bob decided he needed to supervise this afternoon…
Not really necessary as this week, this is where I’ve been.
It has been a better week for both Bob and I. I am not sure we really have a routine for 2 yet, but as I’ve been able to concentrate, to work, to cook, to walk and do the things I both need to do and enjoy, Bob has seemed more himself as well.
And then there were some other extraneous errands and chores that needed attending to. And I delegated one particularly yucky one of those to a professional, took a morning to take care of the others and then got back to living.
Progress.
May 1.
This past week was as varied in my heart and soul as was the weather in the week’s photos.
Monday and Tuesday…after walking the loop…”crossing the Rubicon”… – Monday and Tuesday were good work days and a bit of normalcy returned to Bob’s and my life. And then, taking the motorhome for service, running out through the woods to catch the light – WHAM!
Loss and grief are experienced by each one of us in ways unique not only to our own experience but for me, every loss I have ever experienced is different. I spent the last 8 1/2 months with Karl focused on enjoying and staying hopeful and positive – for both him and for me. I did not want to waste a moment of whatever time we had together in anything other than joy.
I wish I could say that I accomplished that, but I can only say that most of the time I did and I’m grateful that there were only a few moments lost.
So…now, I don’t feel like I need to NOT grieve. I cry when I feel like it. I let the bits of panic and anxiety come and go. I sit still and let memories come and bring me back to a point of Joy. It is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Everything changes – always. The Road Home…it is always changing. It is greening up at the moment – this May Day.
Bob and I. We’ve changed. Our routine has changed and is changing.
I miss Karl with a fierceness that makes my chest ache. And I am glad for that. I am glad that I am capable of loving so deeply that I can ache. And that gladness turns the ache to joy.
Karl and I started our lives together on May 18, 2001. The photo above was about 9 weeks after. He looks so serious … I have no idea why my one leg is extended except that the camera…my first digital camera…was on a tripod with a timer and I had a 16 week old puppy in a down stay while I set up the camera and hurried back to be in the shot :)!
So this week as my emotional state slid from ok to not so much… I started thinking about another dog. …after all, I found Karl, just a week after losing Zack and Karl brought Joy back into my life then, even while I still grieved for Zack. I believe my life will always include a dog. It is part of who I am.
I found a Karelian breeder in WA that thought she might have puppies in mid-June, which would mean they would be ready for homes in mid-August. That seemed like good timing…far enough “out there” that I might be ready. I sent an application, even though I was unsure whether I could really have another Karelian… Karl.
The week progressed. Work did not go well. I spent a lot of time on the front porch. Bob started looking at me somewhat aghast as I was picking him up every time we passed. If you’ve ever had a cat, you are well aware that when they want lovin’ they want it now, but otherwise, not!
The details of Friday I’ll write about at a later time but the bottom line is that via an accidental google and click a website was found. A day was spent in research and soul searching. A phone conversation followed. A deposit has been sent. And not a Karelian Bear Dog, but rather an English Shepherd puppy may become part of the fambly Summers sometime in early June.
Some of the time I am “over the moon” about this. Some of the time I am scared and feel like it is too soon because I just want Karl. Just like the moments of grief, I let all of it just happen and trust that all will unfold as it should.
I got out all of my puppy training books. And I found the puppy leads and collars from Karl’s puppy hood.
It was not sad. It was fun. I feel like I’m taking Karl..and even Zack and Gus…along with Bob and I on this next part of the journey.
I said that to my friend Judy, in an email, and she responded:
of course they are with you on this next journey – they always have been and will continue to be! In my mind’s eye, you may have one dog on the leash, but the rest are romping along with you, too!
I am so grateful for that picture… for her mind’s eye view – it suddenly brought the JOY I’d been struggling to find – back to me. All of my dear ones, always with me.
May Day.
I would not change a thing about how I lived life with Karl. We were nearly constant companions. The only time we were separate was when it was unsafe for him to be with me…too hot to be in the car, the occasional need to pick up or take some large item in the Jeep. The consequence of our closeness, is with his loss, there is not a place nor a moment that he is not missing from. I knew this would be.
The intense missing, the mental rewinding of time and wishing desperately that things had gone differently, the shock of finality – it feels like the earth has shifted off its axis and everything is upside down and sideways. It is sometimes hard to think what to do and I find myself walking around, sitting, moving to a different place – trying to find a spot where I’m comfortable.
My current mantra has been “just keep putting one foot in front of the other”. The place I want to be is that place where all memory of Karl is joy – that’s the direction I’m moving, but the grief must be walked through. There are no shortcuts.
Karl’s and my favorite thing was to walk – in the woods, by the lake and our loop walk. I gradually walked around the woods – my property – last week…a little at a time. I walked to the edge of the woods in the evening to look at the mountains.
Although I do not for a second believe that Karl’s spirit is in his earthly remains, I waited to walk the loop until I had his ashes to take with me. I picked them up on Friday and was so glad to have them. My friend Sara was to walk with me on Saturday.
Saturday was beautiful and sunny – the first real springlike day we’ve had. Sara and I walked the loop. I had Karl’s ashes in my camera sling pack.
It was at times difficult, but more often it was comforting. The more I walk through the things that Karl was part of, the more I feel him with me and joyful memory begins to replace grief.
One foot in front of the other…walking the loop.
***Last photo by Sara Palifka, previous photos I took on a second walk by myself on Saturday.
Saturday morning sunrise through the woods.
I love the light in the woods. I take a LOT of photos of light in the woods. I stand and watch the light in the woods: sunrise, sunset, foggy light, moonlight, starlight.
Saturday dawned clear and stayed that way…a glorious harbinger of Spring and yet cool enough that I kept a small fire going as well. Saturday was a day of taking a break from a “to do” list and just being…enjoying a day spent sitting outside with Bob and Karl, working a bit inside while they napped in the afternoon, shuffling through the woods to see if anything new was making an appearance, hamburgers on the grill, a long talk with a dear friend, off and on house cleaning (that DARN sun coming in the windows :)! )… an exquisite day of peace and joy and love that started with the light in the woods.
Hope all had a lovely weekend and are starting the week rested and refreshed.